The Brandon Ivey Show

The Brandon Ivey Show - Episode 3

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 09:20:00 -0700

Featuring Andy Haynes (yet again), Rory Scovel and Derek Sheen along with my co-host Mike Murphy and The Brandon Ivey Trio!

Cast/crew: Brandon Ivey, Mike Murphy, Michael Sanchez, Derek Sheen, Jimmy Pell, Ian Pollock, Kathryn Mork, Milo

An Update Regarding The Brandon Ivey Show

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 22:36:52 -0700

The Brandon Ivey Show - Episode 2

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 08:57:00 -0700

This episode features Andy Haynes (again…), Rory Scovel and music by a special guest along with my co-host Mike Murphy and The Brandon Ivey Trio!

Cast/crew: Brandon Ivey, Mike Murphy, Michael Sanchez, Derek Sheen, Jimmy Pell, Ian Pollock, Kathryn Mork, Milo

The Brandon Ivey Show - Episode 1

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 08:12:00 -0800

After getting rejected by every venue in Seattle, Mike Murphy, The Brandon Ivey Trio and I decided to take matters into our own hands: we shot the show at my parents house. Guests on the debut episode: Andy Haynes, Rory Scovel and Doktor Diablo.

Cast/crew: Brandon Ivey, Mike Murphy, Michael Sanchez, Derek Sheen, Jimmy Pell, Ian Pollock, Kathryn Mork, Milo

And here’s the full version of Doktor Diablo’s Three Bottles of Rum:

Jokes from 1988

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 12:07:06 -0800

For those who missed it (or want to re-live it?), these are some of the jokes I told last night at Laff-Hole ‘88:

Apparently you can do comedy at rock clubs now? What’s next Seattle, a black mayor?

I was reading the Seattle PI today, the best newspaper in the city. Lots of construction projects just wrapping up. They finished building the Metro bus tunnel. Perfect, because waiting for the bus on 3rd avenue wasn’t scary enough.

Now you can get robbed underground!

Seriously though. This tunnel was a great idea. Maybe one day they’ll realize what a great idea it was and replace the viaduct with a tunnel…

And the Washington State convention center was completed, that monstrosity over I-5. The city is also launching a new slogan; Seattle: come for the conventions on top of the freeway, stay for the rain.

The Westlake shopping mall just opened. Finally, a place to buy over-priced things downtown.

Seriously though, good luck trying to put Frederick and Nelson out of business.

How about those Seattle Mariners? I don’t want to tell Jim Snyder how to do his job, but signing Steve Balboni was a bad idea. We need baseball players, not pizza makers!

Now the Seahawks, there’s a team that knows what they’re doing. I guarantee that Brian Bosworth will be the greatest player in the history of football AND the greatest actor in the history of motion pictures.

And how about the Kingdome? It’s the best place to be in Seattle…if the Ruskies drop the bomb on us!

Thirty-two year-old Bill Gates is the world’s youngest self-made billionaire, according to Forbes Magazine. The guy still can’t get a date though, am I right?

That computer thing he made is called Windows because that’s what he spends most of his time staring at.

Looking at ladies!

By the way, enough with the flannel, Seattle. Paul Bunyan was supposed to be a myth, not a fashion model.

And I cannot stand what kids are listening to these days. Crunch music or something like that? Please, if I wanted to listen to something awful, I would listen to Tiffany.

An Update on The Brandon Ivey Show

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 12:31:30 -0800

It’s the end of February and Mike and I are still working on The Brandon Ivey Show. While you wait, here’s a clip of something that was (ironically) cut from Episode 1:

IF WE HAD TO CUT THAT, JUST THINK OF ALL OF THE STUFF WE KEPT! Don’t think about it too hard though, Episode 1 will probably be ready in a week or so, maybe…

Preview of The Brandon Ivey Show

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 20:55:05 -0800

The show will debut online in February.

The Plan

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 09:32:58 -0800

The Brandon Ivey Show is returning in (early) 2011.

The show will be broadcast online, probably beginning in February.

If things go well, the show might also resume as a live thing in Seattle. This is assuming that a venue will be willing to host the show…

In the meantime, here are some updates on the progress of resuming the show:

Finding Mike: http://vimeo.com/16685621

Confirming with The Brandon Ivey Trio: http://vimeo.com/16914512

Announcing the venue: http://vimeo.com/17358156

Photo by Michelle Newman

Announcing the venue

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 08:35:08 -0800

Confirming with the band

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 22:32:37 -0800

Looking for co-host

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 07:56:07 -0800

Fascinating

Sat, 06 Nov 2010 08:13:22 -0700

Potential Monologue Jokes

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:35:28 -0700

Residents of British Columbia will not have to pay sales tax in Whatcom County beginning July 1 due to a change in the Canadian province’s tax structure. That’s right, Canadians will not have to pay taxes in the US because of a law in Canada. In a related story, US citizens will have the right to bear arms in Canada beginning July 1.

Seriously though. Canadian’s won’t let US citizens with a DUI into their country and now they’re going to shop in our stores without paying taxes?!? That’s a dick move. Or an act of war…

Meanwhile, an acupuncturist in Bellingham named his business “HamsterPuncture.” It’s always tough to run your own business, but this guy is off to a great start. That name won’t cause any confusion.

A King County Sheriff’s deputy resigned after a dispute involving an illegal campfire he set in the Wenatchee National Forest. He would have got away with it if he was better at geography!

(Because King County is NOWHERE NEAR Wenatchee.)

A 10 month investigation failed to determine whether the King County cop had to be told twice to douse the fire, and that he had flashed his badge trying to get special treatment; or whether the Forest Service officer was “foul-mouthed.” Regardless, it’s nice to know that cops think they can start fires wherever they want and don’t have to put them out if someone with authority swears at them.

I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m setting fires in King County. Tomorrow.

Jimmy Dean is Dead (Dead)

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 21:09:54 -0700

Potential Monologue Jokes

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:20:00 -0700

The proposals are in for what should replace the Fun Forest at the Seattle Center. In addition to the Chihuly museum, the other proposals are: a studio for KEXP, a museum of Seattle mysteries, an education exhibit about Seattle’s Native American culture, an active green space, an “open platform,” redevelopment of the commercial kiosk on the site, a request that the Seattle Center consider architectural continuity, and continued operation of the Fun Forest. In other words, the Chihuly museum is going to be built…

The Chihuly museum proposal was expanded to include an “Art Playground” somewhere else at the Seattle Center. Which is nice, because people were not so much upset about having a museum built for Chihuly in a public space in the center of the city, they were mad that there was not another playground at the Seattle Center.

If the Chihuly proposal is accepted, every 8th grade student in Seattle would get a free field trip to the museum. That sounds like a bribe, but the Chihuly people guarantee that kids will dread going to the museum.

Seattle residents would also receive a discount on the Chihuly museum’s proposed $15 entry fee. The Chihuly people suggest that they will not lose much money on the offer because most Seattle residents don’t give a rip about Chihuly.

The saddest part about this proposal process is the Fun Forest itself. Half of the site is already empty, with the rest scheduled to be vacated this fall. But the Fun Forest said it wants to continue its operations, paying the same $250,000-a-year lease. “Although the Fun Forest is not part of the long-range vision of the Century 21 Committee, we would very much like to remain a part of Seattle Center for one year, three years or for as many years as the city and the people of Seattle choose,” the proposal seriously said.

Good plan, Fun Forest: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

(The Fun Forest’s motto.)

BREAKING NEWS

“Ice quakes” are shaking Mount Rainier. They’re like earthquakes but cooler.

Potential Monologue Jokes

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 09:08:36 -0700

A lawyer running for Clallam County prosecutor was arrested for potential DUI and drug charges after he allegedly pulled a knife on a ticket agent at Sea-Tac Airport. He claimed the arrest was a ploy to draw attention to his campaign: “I’m just trying to be relatable to the people of Clallam County,” he said.

The Seattle-Bainbridge ferry route — the busiest ferry route in Puget Sound — is down to one ferry because of engine problems on the second ferry. I always knew it was a bad idea to live on Bainbridge Island…

Meanwhile, the Lummi Island ferry in Whatcom County is out of commission due to a leak on the boat. Island residents are trying to hire a barge to transport their cars between the island and the mainland. I always knew I should have opened that barge business…

Seriously though. Don’t you see what’s happening here?!? The ferries are turning on us! Don’t worry though, this guy has a solution:

Potential Monologue Jokes

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 09:48:39 -0700

A city block in Spokane was evacuated due to a bad smell. If that’s all it takes, why are people still allowed in Tacoma?!?

The “rotten egg” smell was reported at Fastkart Indoor Speedway. The Spokane Fire Department was unable to find the source of the smell but they’re pretty sure it has something to do with an indoor speedway…

Seattle is charging Macy’s $31,000 a year for a permit to use a skybridge that has been connected to the downtown store since 1960. The permit fee used to be $300 a year. Wow. The city really has Macy’s over a barrel. There’s no way people could get from one building to the next if they shut down that skybridge.

Efforts to re-open a golf course on Whidbey Island failed. Turns out the golf course was built in the wrong location: hippies don’t golf.

Potential Monologue Jokes

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 10:55:40 -0700

Princess Cruises crew members spent an extra two hours sanitizing a cruise ship in Seattle after 96 passengers got norovirus, which causes vomiting and diarrhea. I did not realize princesses went to the bathroom. You really do learn something new everyday!

Sick passengers were asked to stay in their rooms during the cruise. Princess Cruises: “Escape Completely” (into a claustrophobic room throwing up with the runs).

A new Washington state law encourages people to call 911 when someone overdoses on drugs. Good thing there is a law for that. Usually when someone overdoses I just mind my own business. Because really, if I called 911 every time someone around me OD, I’d be calling 911 all the time…

I guess what I’m saying is, I need to find a new group of friends to hang out with.

Under the new law, people will not be charged with drug possession if police obtain evidence because of the 911 call. Oh, THAT’S why people are not calling 911? Because they don’t want to get in trouble?!? Those 911 operators need to stop snitchin.

Potential Monologue Jokes

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 22:38:46 -0700

An employee of the Seattle water taxi was accused of stealing $7,500. Six fare collection boxes with with the money were found at his home. “I didn’t mean to steal the money, I just liked the boxes,” he probably said.

The water taxi goes from downtown to West Seattle, for those who don’t know.
For everybody, in other words…

Headline from Whidbey News Times: Oak Harbor man ‘using steroids’ accused of death threats. I would make a joke about that only counting as news in a small town, but seriously, roid rage is big news no matter where it happens.

The man apparently jumped out of a moving car, kicked in an apartment door and threatened to kill his girlfriend and the police. Sounds unpleasant, but having muscles without lifting weights is certainly worth the side-effects…

Potential Monologue Jokes

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 12:08:54 -0700

An increase in fares for Washington State Ferries was put on hold after an investigation by KING 5 found wasteful spending at the agency, marking the first time a KING 5 investigation has resulted in something remotely useful.

An increasing number of people want to be buried in an environmentally-friendly way, according to the Seattle Times. Not me. I want to be buried in a 747…

A creek in Renton has an oily sheen after a garbage truck knocked-over a 140 gallon container of cooking oil. “Goddamn it, this is an omen” said one Renton resident, after noting that he lived in Valdez, Alaska in 1989 and moved from the Gulf Coast last week.

Royal City, a 1.3 square mile town in eastern Washington, has three police officers and 50 known gang members. So next time you want that small-town-overrun-by-gang-members-feeling, visit Royal City!